Tonight we open another show, "This Ain't Broadway, Betty!" and to be honest I'm so tired, I hope I remember my lines. But the thing is, it's not about me. It's about these people in my path.
Between having a senior, a full-time non-profit, a desire to paint, a very active church, a driving daughter and a husband who is constantly moving forward, plus being a mentor mom at MOPS... it's been busy. And yet I spend hours by myself. And hours being very tired.
I find myself going so hard, so fast to get things done for people that when they show up on my path I tend to see them as obstacles instead of friends. The black mark of the perfectionist.
I took a nap today while a show was playing. One of the main characters died and it was a true tragedy. I woke up thinking, if I were to die and be resuscitated, I actually know what I would say. It would be this,
"I want to live. But I want to live differently. I want to enjoy small things, recognize the people who turn up on my path as destinations rather than obstacles. I want to welcome help, even if I'm embarrassed that I need it. I want to laugh more. Breathe more. And listen. Listen better."
Then I read this quote from the school my son will be attending next year.
Valedictorian, Jason Thomassen (BA Biblical Studies; Dip Youth Work), addressed the class of 2014 with an encouragement to lead and teach with love. "Like [the Apostle] Paul, grads, I pray that we never forget this simple message of loving others, in the midst of theology, education and knowledge, we are faced with the temptation to teach the world all that we know, but let us not forget to love the world, for in love, as Jesus reminds us, the law is fulfilled, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment."
There it is. That's what I want. I do not want to be stale. I want to ask hard questions and not require the answer to be given in my narrow format requirements.
I want to be grateful for the patience of God with me while I sort out hard issues that frustrate me. I want to see Him in a whole new way.
There are things I don't want to give up. Excess sugar for one. I find myself being mad at God for the consequences of my poor choices. hmmmm.... rather childish of me, I think.
And there ... right there....is the point where we all have to turn inward or outward. When I look at the world as if it's all about me then it becomes a confining, irritating, shriveled up lonely place. Even looking out the window is not enough. Still too safe. I won't be able to feel the wind unless I step outside.
Loving God, and loving others is a bit like stepping outside.
There are people in my path and I plan to stop and appreciate them today.
Love, Lydia
©2014 Lydia D. Crouch
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