...in fear and trembling

Good morning, Father.  I'm a bit grumpy.  Thanks for letting me come - even with my unthankful heart - into your presence.  Thank you for how well the meeting went yesterday and that I even got started on my long overdue wedding gifts. 

Thank you that you are deeper than loneliness which tries to wash over me this time of year.  Thank you that my kids know you.  I couldn't ask for more than that.  Thank you that my husband had a nice shirt to wear for his first class photo as a third grade teacher.  Thank you for giving him the idea of a bulls eye target to give little K incentive to try.  Lord, there are so many things I'm dreading, but I know if I look at them through the eyes of thankfulness, they will become beautiful.   So, here goes!  (Help me find your words?)

 -Thank you that I have a mop and bucket and running water and soap to mop my dirty floor.

-Thank you that I have this fabulous computer where I can print out a production calender for the magazine; even though I'm not good at this type of thinking, the computer makes it easy to adjust as I learn.

-Thank you that I can exercise inside with a dvd, even if it's yucky weather.

-Thank you that we have found a good doctor for Laina's feet and that I can have hope that he will help her not be in so much pain.

-Thank you for this quiet moment when no one needs anything from me and I can just sit and be a student.

Thanks for being YOU.  Could you please let me see something new in 1 Corinthians this morning?  If not, thank you for allowing me to legally possess a Bible.  Thank you.

I Cor 2:3-5
I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, 4and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.

Weakness and in fear and in much trembling....   This is my world.  I would never have pictured Paul this way!  (Most people would never picture me this way either.  Apparently, I exude confidence.  Sometimes I'm confident, but mostly I'm holding my breath, wondering what will be the next stupid thing I do or say.)

Paul, the zealot.  Paul, the evangelist.  Paul, the content man, in or out of prison.  Paul, the "admonisher."

But Paul, the weak, fearful, trembling man... I would not have seen that in him.

Lord, why was he afraid?  Was Corinth the first place he went to preach to gentiles?  Was that it?  Was he afraid of persecution?

OK, I just found this REALLY cool timeline that even I can understand!!!  (I have never been able to deal with timelines well.  They are so... linear.)

https://www.blueletterbible.org/study/paul/timeline.cfm

Here's what I just learned:  By the time Paul gets to Corinth, he's already been accepted as an official apostle of the church.  He's gone on several trips.  He's had to flee  for his life.  He's been mistaken for a god.  He's been stoned and thought dead, but came back to the same city.  He falls out with Barnabas who has invested in him, trained him, traveled with him...  He keeps up an effective ministry.

He meets and evangelizes the very first Greek convert, Lydia.

He's been in prison for casting a demon out of a slave girl (human trafficking).  BUT THE PRISON DOORS MIRACULOUSLY OPEN, YET HE STAYED PUT.  Wouldn't you have run out as fast and free as you could?  Me to!  BUT, because he stayed, the jailor and his family met the Lord.

Hmmm.... was this the first male Greek convert?  (Probably not.  Could be fun to try and look up, but not right now...)

He travels on with really great friends, especially Timothy who is like a son to him.

So I don't get it.  After all those miracles, why was Paul afraid?

For that matter, why am I afraid whenever I start a new painting?  Why am I afraid every morning that I sit down with 1 Corinthians, that God won't show up?  Why am I afraid that my children will miss out on something wonderful when God's already said He is able to to exceeding, abundantly more than I can imagine or think?  (And if any person he created imagines or thinks, it's me!)  Why am I afraid of my house not being cleaned as well as someone else is able to clean hers?

When I write out my fears, they seem so silly according to all God has done in my life up till now.

Why was Paul afraid?  Maybe because he was human... a real person with fears that didn't make sense.  Maybe, even though he'd seen miracles and stunning deliverance, he was afraid this might be the time he did it wrong and You didn't show up?

Maybe that's why he was so adamant about knowing nothing but the foundational truth of Jesus Christ and Him crucified, so that the very very very first Greek converts would get it right without Paul's own cultural biases getting in the way and tainting the message with his personality.  (Sorry for that horrible run on sentence.) 

He's so adamant that they were not converts to him, but to Christ.  So much can go wrong when we get in the way.

Paul is starting to take on flesh and wrinkles and whiskers as I look at him now.

Maybe he was afraid just because he was Paul, the one who zealously wanted to get it right.

I really don't know.  But oddly, I'm just glad this bigger than life guy was (dare I say it?) just a guy.