...so sleepy

Lord, the weather is changing and I'm SO sleepy.  I dread this time of year.  S.A.D. season.  Please help me focus today.  Wake up.  I know I need to cut back on the sugar this makes me crave, the caffeine I go for that doesn't help me wake up - at all.  Could this be the year I make it through the winter differently?  Lord, I went to bed at 9:00 last night, but I've been awake since 1:11am.  Please help me work today.

I hate failing.  When I'm this tired I feel like I failed before I even start.

I hear you telling me gently, "Tell yourself the truth."

OK.

I'm not a failure.  Even if I do try and fail, that doesn't make me worthless.  Even Paul did his best and had to face the fallout of other people's choices.

Paul understood having his own thorn.  So if S.A.D. is mine, then it won't keep me from finishing well.

I Cor 4:8-10  You are already filled, you have already become rich, you have become kings without us; and indeed, I wish that you had become kings so that we also might reign with you. 9For, I think, God has exhibited us apostles last of all, as men condemned to death; because we have become a spectacle to the world, both to angels and to men. 10We are fools for Christ’s sake, but you are prudent in Christ; we are weak, but you are strong; you are distinguished, but we are without honor. 11To this present hour we are both hungry and thirsty, and are poorly clothed, and are roughly treated, and are homeless; 12and we toil, working with our own hands; when we are reviled, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; 13when we are slandered, we try to conciliate; we have become as the scum of the world, the dregs of all things, even until now. 

Well... if I were looking to be encouraged, this passage would be one I'd skip over. 

First, Paul says the Corinthians are already kings, already rich, but the apostles are poor, scum of the world, dregs of all things, spectacles to men and angels, condemned to death, reviled, stuck with manual labor, homeless, roughly treated, without honor, hungry, thirsty, poorly clothed, slandered.

They sound like freak show features.  Honestly, without the big picture, they could be "carni workers" running from the law.

So.... why not quit that job?

Why did he not consider himself a king yet?

Sometimes the Bible has more questions than answers.

Sometimes it's good to look at the hard stuff.

On my own, I'm pretty sure I'd crumble under persecution like that.  But somehow, Paul knew he wasn't on his own. But I made this commitment to look at the passages that make me uncomfortable.

I keep thinking about my atheist friend.  What would Paul, highly educated intellectual, say to my friend?  Paul, who once saw less value in Christianity than any atheist I've ever met - what would Paul say?  How would Paul explain why he was willing to be a freak and look like a fool because of this Christ encounter?

I don't know how he would answer specifically from this letter yet.  I haven't read that far in this slow uncomfortable way of reading yet.  I know he defines love in a few chapters. Maybe the answers will show up in chapter 13...

Why does Paul care about the Corinthians if it's just going to be harder and worse and eventually end in death?  Yes, I know the answer is "the risen Christ", but I need to see this in a penny dropping kind of way.

Parts of this letter to the Corinthians is clear.  I can touch the "In God we trust" of it.

This portion of the letter, however, is really blurry.  I can't really see it clearly.  Yeah, yeah.  My mind gets it for Paul.  But not for me... it makes ME uncomfortable.  It doesn't sit well with what I want life to be like.

But I'll keep reading and eventually the penny may drop.

I'm becoming unafraid of questions.  Even the ones that don't get answered right when I ask them.