I CORINTHIANS 9:1-6 (Mostly just verse 1)1Am I not free? Am I not an apostle? Have I not seen Jesus our Lord? Are you not the result of my work in the Lord? 2Even though I may not be an apostle to others, surely I am to you! For you are the seal of my apostleship in the Lord.
3This is my defense to those who sit in judgment on me. 4Don’t we have the right to food and drink?5Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephasa ? 6Or is it only I and Barnabas who lack the right to not work for a living?
Wow. I'm here at women's retreat. I haven't blogged–or barely breathed–for a month. I know I haven't sinned for not being able to post more often, but I feel guilty. Sillly. Why is that? This is simply my journey. I talking to make it up a super steep hill. Catch my breath.
In fact, I just went against my performance tendencies, and for the first time ever, skipped the breakout sessions here at the retreat to collapse on my bed and sleep.
"Am I not free?"
This is a loaded question for the do-be (pronounced dooby) that I am.
Am I not free? I know for sure that taking this nap was not a sin. So why do I feel so guilty? (Some of you are saying, "I know, right?")
And here is Paul, facing the same voices. That person whose name is "Expectations" stands by her friend "Judgement" and they grill me with these questions. "How can you skip a session when she's giving her testimony? You say you love her but you can't stay awake for one hour?" "How can you skip her talk about evangelism? She's so much better at it than you. You told her you'd try to be there. You hardly even get to see her except here at retreat...."
Am I not free? ...to have my plans changed by necessity and wisdom?
Am I not an apostle? Someone who's known the Lord personally for quite some time and is called upon to lead?
I'll deal with the rest of these verses later. They are such a description of our speaker for the weekend and my dear friend, Judi. She is such a Paul for us this weekend. Like Paul, she has worked hard and paid her way in order to be able to minister. She is bright, educated in the word, skillful. She has liberty that I don't have in some areas. She is full of joy. She has sacrificed a great deal to be a Christ follower. She has faced her own seasons of sorrow with an unwavering love for Jesus. But she's not finished speaking yet, so I want to wait before I tie in the rest of these verses to what I'm learning.
So for right now, I'm going to back up to that first question. Am I not free?
I'm going paste in an email that I sent to one of my besties. I'm listening here. Learning. So here it is:
Hey.
Whenever I text and call and you don't respond, I start praying.
I've been going through a bit of grieving lately... as if someone died; but no one has. I might be grieving dying dreams. Anyway, I'm also gaining weight and the words came to me, "It's OK to love your body." By that, I mean cherish, nurture and care for as opposed to saying, "I think I look great."
But I have a road block. As I prayed for you I realized I was praying for us - you AND me.
Why can't we love ourselves enough to be total conquerers?
I don't hate myself.
I do realize God truly loves me.
I have forgiven myself.
I have dealt with all the past stuff I can think of.
So what is this shadow that feels so dark and solid? Why can't I ever get past this one thing? Why can't I name it?
I believe God spoke to me today.
What I heard was this, "You have been unable to love yourself in a healthy way, not because you don't see yourself as worth loving, but because you don't trust your ability to love well."
Then I saw the words, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)
Then I heard, "These words are not meant for acing the biology test, getting the promotion... these words are for you to become like Christ. To do what He did.... which was always and only to love others well." He was TOTALLY secure in who He was and loved himself well. He never denied the rewards He was destined to receive,never said "Oh no, really... I couldn't" in false modesty. He accepted his role of authority,rejoiced in the Father's gift– but all in the context of loving well.
There is fear in this concept. He may ask us to step WAAAAAAAY out of our comforted zones... yes, I meant to say "comforted" as opposed to "comfort", because we live in zones that rely on others' input for our comfort...
We are being called out. To freely and courageously/humbly love outwardly, fearless of messing it up. Caring is easy, but the action of loving to the point of facing rejection... with joyful abandonment. I can do all things THROUGH Christ, who HIMSELF strengthens me.
Something for us to think about.
Am I not free? Am I not an apostle? Not to everyone. Maybe only to a few. But can I not be like Christ and rejoice in the authority God has chosen to place upon me?
It is for freedom that Christ sets us free. Me. free.
Time to go to crafts! I'll be thinking as I glue.
