boundaries in pleasant places, even when they pinch...

What an idiot!

Today, it's not even 8:30 a.m. yet,
       Today, I wore my insecurities like shoes and stepped on the insecurities of someone I love.

The sun is out.  It's gorgeous, but I feel sick.

In one sense, I had nothing to do with it.  They need to work this out.  But in another, I had everything to do with it for not being willing to wait on God... for pummeling in carelessly.

What in the world does this have to do with the next verses in I Corinthians?  Honestly, I have no idea yet.  I get mad when I blow it.  Proud.  Defensive.  Insecure.  I'm supposed to be having a quiet time.

I started writing before I could even calm down enough to see straight.

I'm facing a wall with stains of my face hitting it the last time I was here.  The wall won.

When I want to get excited about something, but to do so would cause someone else to feel rejected, it makes me feel trapped.  The person is far more important than the idea... the dream.  Even though I truly believe the idea is God's idea, that it is valuable...

So what do I do with that?

Wait.

I can try to jump the fence, or wait till God opens the gate.

If it is God's idea, He can create the same dream within the other person.  He can unify our hearts so that we both can look beyond our insecurities into something bigger than what we can do on our own.  It may... it will... turn out differently than we imagine, but it could be so much better than any of us imagine.

I don't know.  So either this is spiritual attack or my stubborness.  Or a bit of both.  Sometimes it's hard to tell which is which.

So here I am Lord.  On my proverbial knees.  Please take this circumstance and use it to draw us to You.  Lord, you can have it.  If even the gift you gave me causes strife and division, then I'd ask that you take it back.  But if you are using this to cause us to grow, no matter how painful that stretching is, then I release it for that too.  Either way, I give it back to You - not ungratefully - but humbled that I even got to hold it for a bit.  

That's scary, God.  My heart went into that gift.

Anyway, it's still my choice.  Lord, help me not feel invisible or frustrated.  Thank you that you see me.

I Cor: 6Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did. 7Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: “The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.”^a 8We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.

Wow.  OK.

Setting my heart on evil things.... Like wanting to have my own way so that I can get some credit, some glory, that belongs to You alone.

It's hard to be an artist.  To write songs and produce paintings that speak out against immorality.

Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: “The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry. 

We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.

That's just pretty clear.  While I speak up for purity through my creative gifts, though, it's so easy to let "getting credit" become an idol.   I can even set up the idol of wanting my kids to get credit.  This is hard.

Hard.  Hard. Hard.

The binger, the idolator, the immoral.  All separating ourselves from the gift of Christ - Himself poured out for us.

Sweet Jesus, thank you for even the friction.  The discomfort of the "electric fence" that guards me from walking out among the wolves.  They smile and say, "Come be one of the pack. We'll gather round you."  Right.  They'll gather round me alright.  Their smiles are for the anticipation of devouring their next meal, even if she be a stubborn mule like me.  Lord, you have protected me so tenderly.  You've set my boundary lines in such pleasant places!  I love you.

Psalm 16: 5-7a  The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot. 6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me. 7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;

 

from bell to bowl...

I COR 10:1For I do not want you to be ignorant of the fact, brothers and sisters, that our ancestors were all under the cloud and that they all passed through the sea. 2They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea. 3They all ate the same spiritual food 4and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ. 5Nevertheless, God was not pleased with most of them; their bodies were scattered in the wilderness.

I woke up craving sugar this morning.  I'm gaining weight because of my own choices.  Granted, the stress of resigning from my job, trying to navigate life with four drivers and two cars, and to plan trips when no one can nail down their schedule because we are all at the mercy of others' revolving deadlines at the moment... stress is present in all our lives.

But as I was gathering my foggy first morning thoughts, I was suddenly hit by this thought,

"I have as much self control as any other human."

What I think about, the truth - or lack of it - that I feed my thoughts directly effects that self control.

When I whine,
                         which I am totally tempted to do now

I am only trying to justify my unwillingness to pick up this gift and use it....   self control.

With that thought rolling through my head, I sat down to pick up where I left of with this blog.

I've tried to write again several times, but I wanted to skim over these verses.  They seemed like a bit of "yeah, yeah... blah, blah, blah."  And my head knows that every single verse in the Bible is there for a reason and is in its exact order for a reason.

Like a game of chutes and ladders or Candy Land,

I tried to get past this, but I keep landing back here in my lack of discipline to direct my thoughts.  In other word, its not what I'm doing that trips me up.  It's what I'm thinking.

The truth for me is this.

I keep landing back here on my game board because of my choices.  NOW, however, I'm seeing something.

No amount of good choices on my part can get me to his "promised land" for me.

I hear message after message, but they ring shallow.  A bell ringing, ringing... a vessel meant to be flipped upside down to be a bowl filled with His presence, overflowing into the lives of others.

the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ. 

My worst choice is simply this.... trying to please Christ without letting the Holy Spirit do the work in me that He was sent to do!


I can not welcome Christ with one hand while pushing Him away with the other and honestly claim that I am trying to please Him.  

If He says, "Come" and I simply dump gifts at His feet and run away...

You see what I mean, right?

I can try to put the Holy Spirit in my tidy little box, but here's the deal.  When I go back to the box to ask for what I want, I will lift the lid and discover that the box is empty.  He has gone on to where He is welcome.  He will readily return, but only to open arms... surrendered and outstretched.

P.S.

After writing the above, I turned to my Daily Light devotional book and...  LOOK! 

I don't know exactly what it means to grieve the Holy Spirit, but I plan to look each of these references up and find out.