didn't feel like dying...just didn't feel much like living

I've been sick this week.  Ugh!  I realized this morning that depression feels a lot like a bad cold.  It's hard to get up in the morning.  You can't think very clearly.  You know what's true, but it seems far away and hazy.

For any of you who have friends who deal with depression, remember those flu days and be merciful to them.  It's not something you just snap out of, but it can get better.

I think Paul was just a tad depressed here.  At least when he starts writing.  But read this for yourself and see if you can see the turning point away from frustration and back to the freedom of resolve as he tells himself the truth.

I COR 9:3-18   3This is my defense to those who sit in judgment on me. 4Don’t we have the right to food and drink?5Don’t we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the Lord’s brothers and Cephas^a ? 6Or is it only I and Barnabas who lack the right to not work for a living?

7Who serves as a soldier at his own expense? Who plants a vineyard and does not eat its grapes? Who tends a flock and does not drink the milk? 8Do I say this merely on human authority? Doesn’t the Law say the same thing? 9For it is written in the Law of Moses: “Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain.”^b Is it about oxen that God is concerned? 10Surely he says this for us, doesn’t he? Yes, this was written for us, because whoever plows and threshes should be able to do so in the hope of sharing in the harvest. 11If we have sown spiritual seed among you, is it too much if we reap a material harvest from you? 12If others have this right of support from you, shouldn’t we have it all the more?

But we did not use this right. On the contrary, we put up with anything rather than hinder the gospel of Christ.

13Don’t you know that those who serve in the temple get their food from the temple, and that those who serve at the altar share in what is offered on the altar? 14In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should receive their living from the gospel.

15But I have not used any of these rights. And I am not writing this in the hope that you will do such things for me, for I would rather die than allow anyone to deprive me of this boast. 16For when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, since I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! 17If I preach voluntarily, I have a reward; if not voluntarily, I am simply discharging the trust committed to me.18What then is my reward? Just this: that in preaching the gospel I may offer it free of charge, and so not make full use of my rights as a preacher of the gospel.

I think I see this subtle shift coming through the whole passage.   But then there's a "click" in the middle of verse 15.  A total shift in perspective.  That moment when he takes the principles and applies them to himself... and comes out free.

I would rather die than allow anyone to deprive me of this boast...   

Then in verse 18, he realizes the process itself IS the reward.  

So why bother writing all this?  Well, he's a lawyer.  It is in his nature to look at all sides of the matter.  To test it.  To be sure for himself that he's still taking the right stance.  

A really good lawyer... an upright lawyer... finds the truth and lets it stand up for itself.  He may have to knock away some of the side issues to let the critics see the bottom line, but in the end the truth his trump card.

And so it is with depression or discouragement.  There's no better anti-depressant than telling yourself the truth.  Christ died for you.  You are of GREAT worth.  All else is a tacked on lie that needs to be peeled off and tossed in the trash.

This is a good day to have a good day.